The One Question That Leads to Deeper Conversations
Why I no longer ask "how are you doing?"
I am a certified introverted yapper. I’ll avoid small talk on the train🚇 at all costs—unless you ask me about this month’s poem on the Tube. Then, we’re in for a ride, and I just might miss my stop.
When it feels like the world is falling apart, it can seem odd to ask someone how they’re doing because you already know the answer. Out of fear of small talk or just routine or even politeness, the person may simply respond “I’m good. How are you?”
It’s so common that it’s one of the first phrases you pick up when learning a new language.
French: Ça va ? Ça va et tu?
Or if you learned foreign languages in the American educational system you probably learned the French word for Zucchini before learning how to converse with someone (that’s a separate essay).
Over time, as you’re learning the new language you find ways to express more meaningfully how you’re actually doing. Thankfully, I’ve found a way to do that in English (my French is quite horrible now haha)
Ever since I started this journey of creating spaces for meaningful conversations and deep critical thinking with Analog Social, asking people how they’re doing no longer cuts it.
Now, I ask: what is one thing that has been on your mind lately?
The simple question opens up a world of possibilities for the person you’re speaking to. They can share as little or as much as they would like, the trivial or the profound. In fact, they can still talk about the weather, but then your follow-up question must be: why has it been on your mind lately?
In our day-to-day lives, space for introspection has slipped away from us. Every second of our free time is filled with our screens and other things. Instead of looking up during our daily commute and daydreaming, we look down at our phones and mindlessly scroll.
This is not an indictment. There are times when scrolling is all I can manage to do after a long day. At least this time I’m looking down because I’m writing this on my notes app during my commute. Recently, I’ve been carrying around a physical book. When I don’t have a book I’ve learned to sit in silence and simply think like this guy:
When the (your) world feels like it’s falling apart, how do you bring people together? I’m not entirely sure, but this week maybe start by asking someone, what’s been on your mind lately ?
Comment below or reply to this email. I can’t wait to read your answers!
Thoughtfully,
Shae
p.s. I was recently interviewed by Matthew Facciani and explained why a historian would fathom creating a space where thinkers just well…. think. You can listen to it here:
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I have been moving away from digital tools and back to notebooks and reading physical books. It’s liberating!
I just ordered a custom handmade leather journal cover (yay small businesses!) so I can bring my journal and sketchbook with me everywhere and keep it all contained.